maniac1075

[Maniac1075]

A blond came home from school one day looking completely pissed off. Her mother inquired what was wrong? The blond said, "I got my report card today and look at this bit?" she showed her mother and her mother couldn't see what the problem was? "What's wrong with it? You have 2 C's and a D, it's not the best but least you are passing" - "NO, not that, look at the one I'm failing… next to under my name where it says "sex" it has F, I don't even remember ever taking that exam"

The stupidest sport team in history consisted of everyone on the team being stupid blondes. They where playing shithouse and the coach called a time out and huddled them in. They then went back out and dropped their pants and started masturbating. The coach yelled out, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YA'S DOING?" They responded, "You told us to pull ourselves together"

A dopey blonde wanted to make some money from the press by claiming two famous cricket players impregnated her. When asked who the fathers of her two kids where she said, "Lords Old Trafford and MCG"

A blonde is talking to Neil Armstrong and Neil explains to him how he went to the moon. The Blonde says, "I plan to join NASA and be the first person to walk on the sun". Neil says, "dont be stupid, it's too hot to walk on the sun, you'd melt before you got there" The Blonde says, "who are you calling stupid, dont you think I know that? Thats why we plan to go at night!"

A blonde was asked a question. If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be? The blonde responded with, "the living one I guess"

A blonde was in a store returning her toilet brush. The store girl said, "Whats the reason for returning this toilet brush"? The blonde said, "I tried it for a day, but I think I prefer toilet paper"

A blonde husband was an alcoholic. His wife had become very concerned and thought she would scare him away from drinking. she sat him down and showed him something, she put a worm in the whiskey and it died right away. She said, "what does this teach you"? The blonde said, "If I drink Whiskey I wont get worms"!

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Q: how do you teach a blonde maths?
A: Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!!!!!!

A woman in a coma is being washed one day when the nurse washes her vagina and notices a twig in the coma-womens eyes! she tells the doctor and the doctor repeats the process and see's the twig in her eyes. he rings up the coma-womens blonde husband and explains that while bathing her, there was a slight twig in her eye when they cleaned her cunt! And they asked if he would come in and help out? The husband comes in and asks what he should do? The doc says :try some oral sex with your wife and see if there is any reaction" the doc leaves, after a while the doc hears the sound of the heart monitor flat lining and the buzzers going off. He rushes back in to see the husband doing up his fly when he says "I think Choked her, doc!"

A blonde is very familiar with the nursery rhyme "Hump Me, Dump Me"

Q: what do you call a blonde who died her hair black?
A: Artificial Intelligence!

Q: What do you call a Blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant!

A Blonde comes home and finds her husband in bed with another women, she starts to cry and then gets pissed off about it, she grabs a gun from the drawer and puts it to her head , her husband hadnt lost all feelings for her and thought he didnt want her to kill herself so he said, "Honey wait" she said, "Shut up asshole, your next!"

Q: Why was there lipstick on the blondes steering wheel?
A: she was trying to blow the horn!

A depressed blonde decided to commit suicide. she was seen hanging in a tree with a noose around her waist!
A women walked by and said, "what are you doing?" the blonde said, "im hanging myself" the woman says, "Your supposed to put the rope around your neck" the blonde replied "I tried that but I couldnt breath!"

3 women, a blonde, a brunette and a red head are about to be executed by rifle! The red head is brought up first and she comes up with a clever little scheme to get away, as the leader says "ready, aim...." she yelled out "TITLE WAVE" All the soldiers dropped to the ground and when they got up they realized the prisoner had escaped!The brunette was brought to the execution stand, same thing "ready, aim..." and then she yelled out "EARTHQUAKE" the platoon dropped and took cover and then when they rose they saw that the prisoner had escaped! Then the blonde was next and she caught onto the object of what the other 2 had done, and the army men said "ready , aim" and the blonde yells out "FIRE"

A blonde goes into a store and says "Do you guys have color TV's"? the salesman says, "We sure do"
the blonde says "OK, I'll have a green one!"

A blonde gets pulled over by the fuzz! the officer says, "Can Isee your license?" she says, "A what?" The officer says, "That thing that has your picture that proves you can drive" she says, "Oh, hang on" The officer asks why she looks dehydrated? she says, "Because I found out om not old enough to drink!" The officer figures she has got to be the dumbest person on the planet; he smirks, and looks around, and figures he can get away with anything here! So he unzips his fly, and the blonde says, "Oh, not another breathalyzer test"!

It was a really hot day so a person goes to get a drink from the vending machine and notices a blonde is there putting money in and getting drinks out and cheering before she put them into a bag! the person said, "Can I use it for just one second?" The blonde said "No way, I'm still winning!

A blonde goes to her gynecologist for an examination, and in the middle of her check up the doctor says to her," My god this is the biggest pussy I've ever seen, …the biggest fanny I've ever seen, the biggest fanny I've ever seen, the biggest fanny I've ever seen" The woman, getting quite irate & snaps, "There is no need to repeat yourself doctor" The doctor says with a smirk, "I didn't!"

Q: What do blondes and turtles have in common?
A: There both fucked on there backs!

Q: How do you make a blondes eyes light up?
A: Stick a flash-light in her ear!

Theres these 2 blonde guys sitting in a bar back in the old western days during the first settlements of America when the west was really wild!

There are these 2 blonde guys sitting in a bar back in the old western days during the first settlements of America when the west was really wild! There sitting in the bar just minding there own business when a mean ass tall un shaved dirty looking man walks into the bar with a decapitated Indians head underneath his arm! He goes up to the bar and orders a drink and slams it down, then turns and asks loudly for the attention of the bar drinkers "Listen up all you people, This here in my hand is an Indian head that I personally killed and chopped the head off" he holds the head up and shows it to everyone! He then says "now, I'm willing to give $1000 to each Indian head that any of you can bring back to me!" the 2 blonde men thought it was the opportunity of a lifetime and went out hunting for Indians! They were out in the middle of a rocky mountain at the bottom of a ravine when they saw an Indian riding his horse, so they immediately started after the Indian and chased him down and knocked him off his horse and started to beat him to death on the ground! One of the blondes finally took the life of the poor Indian and begun to saw his head off with a knife, while he was doing this, the other blonde says slowly "umm, buddy" the other blonde cutting says "shut up, I've almost got it" the other says "but you need to see this" he says in a low scared tone! The one cutting says "be quiet I almost have it" the other says with more intensity "no, you really have to see this" "will you be quiet I've almost got it off" "please, turn around a look" the blonde says in a very scared tone, the blonde turns around and sees about 1000 Indians surrounding them with all sorts of weapons ready to kill them! The blonde turns around and says to the other blonde "oh my god, were gonnah be millionaires"


BLONDE INVENTIONS
-The pedal powered wheel chair
-The inflatable dart board
- Submarines with screen doors
- Waterproof towels
- Solar Powered Flash Lights
- The Dictionary Index
- Helicopter with ejector seats
(Tho I just wanna say, some do have ejector seats! The blades detach before the pilot is ejected. He'd just better hope a blonde didnt prepare his parachute and replace his shute with a sandwich and cookie!)
- Powdered Water
- Water Proof Tea bags
- A book on how to read
- Condom with air vents
- Low fat apples
- Air Conditioners for bicycles
- Australian Parliament
- Goerge Bush

A blonde asked an injured man what was wrong?
he said he had a tennis ball up his ass!
the blonde said, oh i know the pain, i had tennis elbow once!

A blonde goes to the doctor with 2 burnt ears!
The doc asked what happened? she told him that she was ironing and the phone rang!
and she mistook the iron for the phone ,the doc said, "So how did you get the other ear burnt"?
she said, "he rang back"!

Q: Why was the blondes bellybutton sore?
A: cause her boyfriend was blonde too!

Q: What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?
A: brunette with bad breath!

A blonde takes a child from a public park and writes a note that says "if you ever want to see your son again,
then pay the ransom of $40,000 in unmarked bills at the foot of the cherry tree at 6am!, signed THE BLONDE!
she pinned it to the jacket of the boy and told him to go straight home!
the next day she went to the cherry tree and collected the money that had a note with it
"here is your money, i cant believe a blonde would do this to another!"

"I cant find the source of your illness blonde, I think it may be because of drinking"!
"Oh ok, I guess I will come back when your sober"

A blonde kept going out to her mailbox and checking it and then looking confused before walking back into the house. She did it about 10 times before a neighbor said, "Why are you constantly looking in your mail box?" The blonde said, "My computer keeps telling me I've got mail"

A blonde studied real hard for her exam. She studied for months. Finally the day to take her test came up, and she was asked, "What is the capital of Australia? Zimbabwe? And England?" she replied, "Oh, thats piss easy..."A", "Z" and "E"

A blonde was fired from the M&M's factory because she was throwing away W&W's

When asked to sigh here on a form she wrote "Sagittarius"

A blonde was going to the airport; a sign said "Airport Left" so she went home!

A blonde asked if she could use a mans phone, the man said "well, not for free, these things cost money" the blonde says "but i have no money" the man says "well, maybe there something you can do for me instead?" she said what? he said," get on your knees, undo my fly and take my cock out" She undoes the fly on her knees and takes the cock out! He says "now, you know what to do!" the blondes grabs his cock. puts it to her mouth and starts saying "hello, mum? you there, hello?"

A blonde wanted to put together a puzzle but she had difficulty with it and she didn't know where to start...so she called her neighbor and asked him if he could help her with the puzzle...the neighbor replies "ok what is it a picture of?" the blond says "its a picture of a tiger"....so the neighbor comes over and looks at the puzzle and says to the blonde, "go grab me a cup of coffee and put the frosted flakes back in the box

Three young women were in a shopping mall. There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They all had to go to the bathroom, so they found one and went in. As they were going in together, they encountered a shriveled old woman who was hobbling out. "Beware the mirror!" she rasped. "If you look inside and say something truthful, you will receive your hearts fondest desire. However! if you tell a lie... YOU WILL BE SUCKED INSIDE AND ENTER OBLIVION!" Cackling, the old woman hobbled on past. The three women looked at each other and shrugged. Once inside, the brunette ran to the mirror, looked straight inside, and said, "I think that I am the most beautiful woman in this bathroom!" Immediately a huge bag of money pops out and the ecstatic brunette seizes it and walks out. This inspires the redhead to up to the mirror and says, "I think that I am the most intelligent woman in this bathroom!" Immediately a Mercedes-Benz pops out and she hops in and drives away. The blonde then runs up to the mirror excitedly. She says, "I think--" and is immediately sucked into the mirror.

Azoo has a very rare Gorilla, and it is becoming aggressive and uncontrollable! They determined it is because the Gorilla is in heat and is getting very horny! But because this Gorilla is rare, they cant find it mate! So one of the zoo keepers comes up with an idea, and says "hey, what about that blonde janitor? I hear he can satisfy any woman he come into contact with, and he's so stupid he'd probably do it! So they call the Blonde janitor into the office and say to him "look, we hear you can satisfy any woman, and we were wondering, would you make love to our Gorilla, for $5000?" The blonde thinks for a moment and says, "I don't know, Ill have to think about it, I'd like to sleep on it" The keepers say "ok" The following day the blonde walks into the office and says, "Ok, I've decided I would like to do it, but I cant!" The Zookeepers look in disappointment and ask why not? The blonde says "well, id love to satisfy the gorilla, but don't have $5000"

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it" the librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

Q: Why did the blond take bread crumbs to the toilet with her??
A: She wanted to feed the toilet duck!

Q: How does a blonde turn on a light after sex??
A: She just opens the car door!

Q: What does a bottle blonde and a Boeing 747 have in common??
A: They both have a black box

A Blonde Man asked what the man next to him at work had? The man said "its a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold"! The next day the blonde man had bought his new thermos to work, and the man said, "Whats in your thermos"the blonde replied "Two cups of coffee and an ice-cream"

A Blonde was with 2 friends one night, and they did something naughty and had to run away from the police. They ran into an alley and they hid inside these bags, the cop came running down and couldn't find any of them, so he kicked the first back, and the man said "woof, woof" the policeman thought "oh well, its a dog!" he kicked the second bag "meow, meow" he figured it was a cat, he kicked the one with the blonde in it "potatoes, potatoes"

A woman says to her friend "look a dead bird" the blonde looks to the sky and says "where?"

A blonde is working one day when these out of towners are arguing over how you pronounce the name of the town? One says its "Pencil-Venia" the other says "its "Pensa-Vainia"They decide to ask a local, so they go up to a blonde working and ask if she can say the name of the place very slowly? The blonde Says "Buuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrggggggggerrrrrrrrrrrrr Kiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggggg!"

A blonde went to the doctor. He said she had acute-appendicitis. The blonde blushed and said "aww, thank you"

20 blondes walk into a bar!
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch , ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch , ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch , ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch , ouch

a blonde decides to be a little naughty one night and decides hire a XXX rated movie! she hires a movie that she things has a good title, and she goes home, gets her toys out and lights some candles and puts on a robe, and then presses play, but all she see's is black and white dots of distortion! she rings the video store and says "the video i just hired is all distorted" the man at the video store says "oh, were sorry, sometimes that happens, what is the title of the video?" the blonde says "head cleaner!"

A blonde has a job working at a hospital. After a couple of days of working there, 2 doctors were discussing how stupid she was. The first said "I asked her to give a patient 2 mg of morphine every 24 hours, she gave him 24 mgs every 2 hours, he couldve died from that stupid bitch's mistake" the other said, "Well, I asked her to give a patient of mine one enema every 24 hours, she gave him 24 enema's in one hour, he damn well nearly exploded!" another doctor who over heard the conversation butted in and said "is that the nurse with long blonde hair, big boobs and great legs, but dumb as the come?" both doctors say "YES!" the doctor says "holey shit, I just asked her to prick one of my pateints boils!" then a loud blood curdling scream was heard from down the hall the doctors rushed in to see another doctor yell "NO, I SAID REMOVE HIS SPECTACLE'S YOU DOPEY BITCH"

A blonde went on a hunting trip and was told to scream into a bears cave and call it all kind of names & insults, and when it comes out shoot it! At the end of the day 2 men found a blonde man lying down bleeding to death because his leg was missing. they asked what happened? the blonde said "i was shouting into the cave and yelling things to get the bears attention when a fuckin train came out" a bear then appeared and the two other hunters ran off leaving the blonde , the bear slowly approached with the taste almost in his mouth of human flesh the blonde started to prey "dear lord, if your up there, let some sort of religious event take place right now" the bear stopped and knelled down and said "dear lord, thank you for this dopey blonde i am about to receive..."

A blonde guy is asking his girlfriends father for her hand in marriage! The father says, "Well, if you jump the back fence and fuck the cow, I will let you" so the blonde actually did it and came back and said he jumped the back fence and fucked the cow! The father was almost laughing his ass off because he meant it as a joke and didn't expect him to do it. But still playful, the father said, ok, do it again and she's yours!" the blonde jumped the back fence and fucked the cow again. The blonde went back to the father and the father said "ok, you can marry my daughter" the blonde says "fuck that, how much for the cow?"

A blonde visits his grandpa on the farm and his granddaddy says "Here take my gun and take Woofy with you and go hunting" later that night the blonde returned and said "That was fun grandpa, got any more dogs?"

BLONDES ARE SO STUPID THEY....
get lost in there own thoughts!
get fired from a blow job!
think that being mugged is when someone breaks a coffee cup over there head
use parking meter's and stand there waiting for the gumball to come out!
see a sign that says WET FLOOR, they do!
sit on the TV and watch the couch!
think Fleetwood Mac is a new burger at McDonalds!
think "Christmas Wrapping" is a new album by Snoop Doggy Dog
think Johnny Cash is pay toilet!
think menopause is an option on the stereo
think Sherlock Holmes is a housing estate
think softball is a disease!
take a ruler to bed to see how long they sleep!
write under an application that states SEX: M/F. they wrote M+F plus Sunday if I'm free!
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