Joined: 10 Jul 2005
|Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 10:45 pm Post subject: shit to say to telemarketers
|Having fun with telemarketers...
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died....me personally I tell them my hemorrhoids are flaring up and the diarrhea is making my ass so sore i have the toilet paper in the freezer" When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
3. If the person says he's whoever from the what-the-fuck-ever company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?" - "Do you shave your cunt?"
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
12. Tell them you will buy there shit if they agree to do something for you. Explain to them you have just stolen a shit load of drugs off a well known underworld figure and need a place to hide it for a while till the heat is off. Tell them once they have the package that if large shaved head, bearded men on motor bikes come to there door wielding chains on there fists, just flush it down the toilet before you open the door, and whatever they do, don't try to ignore them or run.
13. Ask if they would mind waiting a minute, claim you have to turn off the stove. Then just leave the phone there till they give up a leave.... or as there on hold, start acting out a domestic fight, even if your on your own, have a huge argument in two different voices, and make sure someone gets stabbed to death, then start crying, "Oh, no, what have I done"