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Rules and Guide To being a Cat

 
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Maniac1075
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 3:11 pm    Post subject: Rules and Guide To being a Cat Reply with quote

Guide to being a Cat. The rules all felines must obey. - by me

1. As a cat, you will spend 77% of your life asleep. Apart from the obvious warm places on top of heaters, fireplaces and televisions, ect…
Make sure you always find a comfortable spot to sleep where your human sits. If your human is already occupying such places, find the most appropriate spot your human will be walking though later on. Good places for this are in walking paths, under feet, behind roll back chairs and in front of doors.


2. Doors are a good one to learn. As a cat, always remember that if you sit and stare at a closed door long enough, it’s bound to open eventually.

3. After you have achieved getting your human to open a door for you; this does not require you to actually enter or exit through the door. Now is often a good time to lift your back leg and begin grooming yourself or walk off casually in the other direction with your tail up flipping off your human.

4. Never get comfortable or sleep with your human on there terms when they want you to. Always run away if they try to pick you up. Good times to show your affection is when they are trying to have a nap or go to sleep. Keep a close eye on your human, and just when there eyes have shut, now is a good time to make your entrance and make yourself comfortable by clawing there skin into a more comfortable comforter for your own relaxation. And remember there is no rush, take as long as you like to claw away making your spot comfy to lay in; duration should last anywhere between 5 to 45 minutes.
If you want to play a trick on your human, make your self comfortable by clawing the spot for a good 15 mins or more, then forget that spot and drop down on an area you have not been clawing… this place is what you will come to know as the “grooming spot”


5. If you feel you are not getting any attention, a great way to gain it is hide in another room away from your human. Wait a few minutes, then run as fast as you possibly can into the room your human is in like you are on a mission, then slam the breaks on and just sit there purring and blinking like nothing just happened. Other classic ways to gain attention is to start staring at the wall, this will usually get there attention as they wonder what you are looking at, if there is a bug or if there house is haunted.

6. As a cat, you will be required to hunt rodents and bugs. When you capture one, make sure to torture it for a while before killing it. Once you are bored with it not moving, pick it up in your mouth and take it to your human. Best times to do this are when they are in bed. Take your kill to your human, climb into the bed, place it no less then your own tails length away from there head. Proceed to wake them up with constant meowing that translates into, “breakfast in bed is served”


7. When you can’t get outside to puke. Make sure you seek out something comfortable like carpet, rugs or human clothing to throw up on. Never ever vomit on easy to clean areas such as tiles or bricks. And remember that you are a cat, puking in an easy pile to clean up is just out of the questions. Always start with your head down, and once you begin to puke, slowly move backwards as to make the longest streak of chuck you can.

8. There is an old saying by humans that someone may think they are just the cats ass. If humans say such things, then show off your ass to them as often as possible. The closer your kitty sphincter is to there face, the more appreciation they will endure.


9. Never use proper scratching posts. Always use sides of sofas, speakers and anything of a value of over $200…. Or anything recently purchased your human may be wearing.

10. Always follow your human into the toilet. Rubbing against their legs and making yourself comfortable in their pants for a nap is just part of the cat life. It is also a comfort to show that your human does not stink all that badly, and give them confidence in your affection for them. But, they will never suspect that the vile smelly odor of their own bile doesn’t sink down to the lower altitude you are used to breathing.
This type of affection is your secret way of telling your human that without opposable thumbs you cannot operate a can opener.


11. You will notice your human has two legs; those legs walking one in front of the other are there for you to practice your weaving skills. Always practice when your human is walking down stairs, carrying something large and heavy, or just waking up in the morning.

12. When finding a place to sleep. Climb to a place that is higher then your humans so you can look down upon your lowly servants.

13. Your tail is an accessory you can use to hit your humans head with when you are staring at something behind them (such as the wall) facing the opposite direction.

14. Remember to crack the shits with your human when a bug is too high on the wall for you to take prisoner.

15.
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