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Joke Of The Day
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deed rape
Team Killing Fucktard


Joined: 13 Jul 2005
Posts: 229
Location: North Carolina

PostPosted: Wed Dec 24, 2008 5:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alabama gun stores sold out of weapons in August 2008. One gun store patron was asked why he believes this occured and responded, "Those Russians may have got Georgia but they ain't getting Alabama."
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thunderhayes
I dont care about you, just about me


Joined: 25 Jul 2006
Posts: 447
Location: Smyrna, GA, USA

PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2008 4:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was great deed.
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Maniac1075
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Joined: 10 Jul 2005
Posts: 1558
Location: Hellbourne

PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2008 9:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q: What did God say when he made his second nigger?
"A: OOOPs, I burnt another one!"

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thunderhayes
I dont care about you, just about me


Joined: 25 Jul 2006
Posts: 447
Location: Smyrna, GA, USA

PostPosted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 3:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I got this off an YouTube video comments section: thanks to user sceneghettohxc

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like thirty-seven year olds?

A: There are thirty of them.
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Maniac1075
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Joined: 10 Jul 2005
Posts: 1558
Location: Hellbourne

PostPosted: Sun Jan 04, 2009 3:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think if you searched back far enough, I said that joke a long time ago... but still, always room for another swing at Peado Of The Apes.
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Maniac1075
Pro Wanka


Joined: 10 Jul 2005
Posts: 1558
Location: Hellbourne

PostPosted: Thu Jan 08, 2009 3:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Poopie List
· The "Ghost" Poopie-The kind where you feel the poopie come out, see poopie on the paper, but there's no poopie in the bowl.
· The "Clean" Poopie-The kind where you feel the poopie come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there's no poopie on the paper.
· The "Wet" Poopie-You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
· The "Second Wave" Poopie-This poopie usually happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poopie some more.
· The "Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose" Poopie-You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
· The "Corn Cob" Poopie-No more explanation necessary
· The "Lincoln Log" Poopie-The kind of poopie that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
· The "Notorious Drinker" Poopie-The kind of poopie you have the morning-after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
· The "Gee, I Really Wish I Could" Poopie-The kind where you want to poopie but, even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped and farting. (very frustrating if you're using a pay toilet.)
· The "Power Dump" Poopie-The kind that comes out so fast that you barely get your pants down when you're done.
· The "Liquid Plumber" Poopie-This kind of poopie is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the "Lincoln Log" poopie.)
· The "Spinal Tap" Poopie-The kind of poopie that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
· The "I Think I'm Giving Birth Through My Asshole" Poopie-Similar to the "Lincoln Log" and "Spinal Tap" poopies. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterward.
· The "Porridge" Poopie-The type of poopie that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
· The "I Think I'm Turning into a Bunny" Poopie-When you drop lots of little round turds that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
· The "I'm Going to Chew my Food Better" Poopie-When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates your insides on the way out.
· The "What the Hell Died in Here" Poopie-Also sometimes referred to as the "Toxic Dump". Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
· The "I Just Know There's a Turd Still Hanging There" Poopie-Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe it now, it's going to smear all over the place.
· The "Fire In the Bowl" Poopie-The kind of poopie that singes the hair around your butt from the big feed of Mexican food the night before.

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Maniac1075
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Joined: 10 Jul 2005
Posts: 1558
Location: Hellbourne

PostPosted: Thu Jan 08, 2009 3:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble.

The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat.

The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans. Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.

The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?"

"Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, 'Pea-nuts'!




Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."


Q: How can your lover make you happy and angry at the same time?
A: When she tells you that you have the biggest dick out of all of your friends.


Woman gives birth and the Doctor drop kicks the baby out of the window. Mother says 'what the hell are you doing?', and Doctor replies 'Ha ha, fooled you, it was stillborn.


Q: How do you stop a baby from choking?
A: Take Michael Jacksons dick out of its mouth.


Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?
A: I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex.


Count Dracula goes to a cafe and asks for a few cups of hot water for him and his friends tea party. The waiter asks if he would like tea bags with it? Dracula pulls out a bag of used tampons and says, "no, brought my own!"

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Maniac1075
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Joined: 10 Jul 2005
Posts: 1558
Location: Hellbourne

PostPosted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q: Whats the difference between white fairy tales, and black fairy tales?

A: White ones start with, "Once upon a time...."
Black one's start with, "Motha Fucka, you ain't gonna believe this shit..."

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deed rape
Team Killing Fucktard


Joined: 13 Jul 2005
Posts: 229
Location: North Carolina

PostPosted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 10:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This past Monday, Jake Delhomme, the Quarterback for the Carolina Panthers, tried to commit suicide after the loss to the Arizona Cardinals. The suicide was a failure though...the bullet was intercepted.

PS

GO STEELERS
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Maniac1075
Pro Wanka


Joined: 10 Jul 2005
Posts: 1558
Location: Hellbourne

PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 3:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chris Benoit wins home match against his family
[color=cyan]
29 June 2007

Stamford, CT In a stunning development that rocked the Pro Wrestling world, Chris Benoit achieved an inspiring win in the first ever home match, against his own family. While the result was controversial, as both Benoit's family and Benoit were killed during the match, most commentators agreed that this was still a super example of awesome wrestling action.

The way a home match works is that unlike a normal match, televised in a ring, the match takes place in the wrestler's own home, is not televised, and involves the wrestler attempting to defeat his own family. The excitement comes from the fact that losing the match would mean the ultimate humiliation known to exist in wrestledom.

The match is believed by authorities to have started with Mr. Benoit's wife. We can only surmise the awesome moves and dramatic plot twists that occurred. Commentators complained that the match was uneven, and that Mr. Benoit's son should have been allowed to have been Ms. Benoit's tag team partner in a two on one battle royale. Unfortunately as sometimes happens in the wrestling world, Ms. Benoit lost the match and was apparently accidentally killed, but the show must go on.

Next up was Mr. Benoit's seven year old son. Commentators complained even more. "Come on, give me a break." said one angry fan about the mismatched match. "If the kid wins you gotta know this crap is fake." So anyway, as you all know, the son was defeated and in an unusual twist, accidentally killed also. This is the first time in wresling history that two people are known to have been killed in the same match.

After his victory, and getting his awesome shiny belt for defeating his own family, Mr. Benoit is believed by authorities to have decided to celebrate his win by working out. Unfortunately, in doing so he accidentally got his neck caught in the weight line of his machine, and ended up accidentally defeating himself. "In all my years of commentating, I have NEVER seen anything like this before!!!" said commentator Bill Spitzman. Wrestling fans, while saddened by these accidental deaths, stay devoted to their passion, and hope for more of these exciting "home" matches in the future.

for a complete and accurate BIO on Chris Benoit, click this
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Chris_Benoit

Never had wrestling news been so exciting since way back when Hulk Hogan joined the NWO.
Hogan, ditching his classic yellow and red, to don the black & white and was struck by lightning several bajillion times, which left its mark on his newly spraypainted black lycra leggings, and legally changed his name from 'Hulk Hogan' to 'Hollywood Hogan' infront of the High Supreme Court of Mexico.

This did not sit well with Hulkamaniac fans. Upon being confronted by an angry pregnant mother with her 5 year old son (who idolized Hogan) in tow, Hogan punched an elephant to death and promptly bodyslammed the corpse on top of them, and proceeded to spraypaint 'nWo 4 life' on the dead elephants back.

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Maniac1075
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Posts: 1558
Location: Hellbourne

PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2009 11:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q: Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with terrorists!

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Maniac1075
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 02, 2009 7:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I suppose they don't always have to be of adult nature.

Advice from Children...

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? don't answer him.
- Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8


_______________________________

Answers from the minds of Children.....Proverbs


Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the.........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..............daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of............termites.

You can lead a horse to water but ...........how?

Don't bite the hand that.......................looks dirty.

No news is.........................impossible.

A miss is as good as a........................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog.....................math.

If you lie down with dogs, you.......will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust........................me.

The pen is mightier than......................the pigs.

An idle mind is......................the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's..............pollution.

Happy is the bride who..................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is.........................not much.

Two is company, three's.....................The Musketeers.

None are so blind as.....................Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed............get new batteries.

You get out of something what you.......see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind.................get out of the way.

There is no fool like...........................Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and......you have to blow your nose


_______

The clergyman, with a booming voice, sat the younger mischievous boy of 2 down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

_____________

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, I did that by accident. She replied, I know that, daddy. He replied, How'd you know? The girl said, Because you didn't say 'ARSEHOLE!' afterwards!

_____________

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:
"It's Adam's suit!!!!!"
_______________

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never believe this!

_______________

A salesman is trying to call a client.
The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, Hello.

SALESMAN: Is your mommy there?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) Yes.
SALESMAN: Can I speak with her?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) She's busy.
SALESMAN: Is your daddy there? LITTLE BOY: (whisper) Yes.
SALESMAN: Can I speak with him?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) He's busy.
SALESMAN: Is there anyone else there?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) The fire department.
SALESMAN: Can I talk to one of them?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) They're busy.
SALESMAN: Is there anybody else there?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) The police department.
SALESMAN: Well, can I talk to one of them?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) They're busy.
SALESMAN: Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department and the police department are all in your house, and they're all busy. What are they doing?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) They're looking for me.
_____________________________

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read. ...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?
The teacher paused, then asked the class, And what do you think the man said?
Little Johnny raised his hand and said excitedly, I know! I know! He said, Holy Shit! A talking pig!
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