maniac1075

[Maniac1075]

A wife comes home to find her husband fucking a sheep up the arse. She yells out, "What are you doing?" the husband replies, "I'm sorry honey, i've got to be honest with you, i've been screwing this pig for over 10 years now!" the wife says, "but thats a sheep!" the husband looks at her and says, "WHO THE FUCK WAS TALKING TO YOU?"
_________________

[VLRGA]

Some jokes I'm copying and pasting:

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing
to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with
one of his patients."
But another voice kept reminding him, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your
breasts and frame it."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your
penis and enlarge it."

One day a construction worker left the job a little early,
and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another
man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs
and into the garage where he proceeded to secure the
guy's dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! You're
not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm
just going to set the garage on fire."


A harsh and demanding instructor was lecturing his class on the
importance of being wide awake. "I personally have found the most effective way to start my day is to take a cold shower," he said. "Then I feel rosy all over."
A bored male student voice called out from the back of the class, "Tell us more about Rosie."

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

[deed rape]

Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and taps on it with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The Marine says, "You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, we're in the Air Force, and we didn't know."

The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.
The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The Marine says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!'"
_________________
This message was brought to you by:
xIJ33clIz4p3x
(Deed Rape)

[VLRGA]

I know some of you will love this one:

TOP 12 NAMES FOR MICHAEL JACKSON REALITY SHOW:

12: Too Gross for Comfort
11: Touched by a Wacko
10: The Pedo-Files
09: Dinner and a Movie and a Couple of Minor Surgical Procedures
08: Survivor: Balcony in Berlin
07: Father's Nose Mess
06: Child Protective Services, Where Are You
05: Trading Races
04: Telemundo presenta "Loco Loco Loco!"
03: Kids Can Be Made to Do the Darndest Things
02: Who Wants to Bear Children for America's Creepiest Millionaire?
01: The Newlywhite Game

[VLRGA]

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods, until I learned
that most people die of natural causes.
**
The easiest way to find something lost around
the house is to buy a replacement.
**
Never take life seriously; nobody gets out
alive anyway.
**
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the
quick and the dead.
**
Health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.
**
The only difference between a rut and a grave
is the depth.
**
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really
good for anything, but you still can't help but
smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
**
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
**
Have you noticed since everyone has
a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
**
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
**
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
**
In the 60's, people took acid to make the
world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.
**
How is it one careless match can start a
forest fire, but it takes a whole box to
start a campfire?
**
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a song about him?
**
Why do people point to their wrists
when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotches when they ask
where the bathroom is?
**
Why does her OB-GYN leave the room
when you get undressed if they are
going to look at her snatch anyway?
**
Did you ever notice that when you blow
in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?

[deed rape]

General Joe Whigham is ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather together a Navy Lieutenant and Captains from the Army, Marine Corps, and Air Force to discover why the services have trouble communicating with each other. He begins by saying that their first project task is to "secure" a certain building, and asks each of them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the project management plan and bring them to the meeting the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:
Tell those swabs to:
-- Unplug the coffeepots
-- Turn off the computers
-- Turn out the lights
-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
-- Assemble the company
-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
-- Take control of all exits
-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down his steps on the palm of his hand:
-- Assemble the platoon and supplies
-- Approach the building along three axes
-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
-- Assault the building under covering fire
-- Sequester surviving prisoners
-- Establish lanes of fire
-- Prepare artillery calls
-- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
-- Contact real estate agent
-- Negotiate 1-year lease
-- Be sure to get option to buy
_________________
This message was brought to you by:
xIJ33clIz4p3x
(Deed Rape)

[Maniac1075]

I'm so ashamed... i just found out there is a member of Alquida in my family tree.































doesnt matter, the cunt's been hanging there for a week.
_________________

[area51newmexico]

A man has just passed away and his wife goes to the mortuary. As soon as she sees him she starts crying. An attendant tries to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that her husband is wearing a black suit and he always wanted to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as standard procedure, but he'd see what he could do.
The next day, when the woman returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with her husband, she smiles through her tears - he is now wearing a blue suit.
She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that nice blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday, after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied. "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around."

------------------

Two pregnant women are sitting together - knitting sweaters for their expected babies on a quiet Sunday afternoon.

One woman says to the other; "I hope to God I have a boy, I've only got blue shades of wool, so everything I've made is blue or navy!"

"Yeah - lets hope so" her mate replies; "I just hope mine's a Spaz - because I've completely fucked up the arms!"
_________________
Helen, Webmistess of
www.area51newmexico.com

[Maniac1075]

Q: whats the definition of a bastard?
A: a man who fucks you all night with a 2" dick and kisses u good morning with a 9" tongue.

if you want sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary somewhere between shit and syphilis

Q: why do men think so much and woman talk so much?
A: men have 2 heads and women have 2 sets of lips

Q: why do woman have orgasms?
A: so they have something else to moan about
_________________

[Maniac1075]

A guy is fucking a woman for the first time.
She says, "put a finger in there" - which he does.
she says, "put all your fingers in" - he says, "are you sure"? she says "yes", so he does.
She says "put your hand in". he says, "are you sure", she says "yes"! so he does.
then she says, "put your whole arm in up to your elbow", he says, "are you sure", she says "yes"! so he does.
She says, "now put your other arm in up to the elbow", he says, "are you sure?", she says "yes"! so he does.

she says, "now clap" he says, "I cant"
she says, "pretty tight, huh!"
_________________

[area51newmexico]

Girl: Mum, I've just been graped!
Mother: Oh dear! Don't you mean raped?
Girl: No there was a bunch of them


I know it's bad but it made me giggle.
_________________
Helen, Webmistess of
www.area51newmexico.com

[Maniac1075]

[Maniac1075]

there once was a vampire named mabel
whose periods where rather unstable
one night at full moon
she took out a spoon
and drank herself under the table
_________________

[area51newmexico]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman apply to join the SAS.
In the recruiting interview, they are each asked if they have a relative with them.
The Englishman has his mother with him, the Jock his wife and the Irishman his Grandmother.
As a demonstration of absolute loyalty to the regiment, each man is given a revolver and asked to go out to the waiting room and shoot the relative.
The Englishman and Scotsman go out in turn, but return in shame, unable
to pull the trigger.
The Irishman goes out and a melee ensues, chairs and tables crashing to the ground, grunts and screams issue forth....eventually silence falls and the Irishman crashes back into the interview room....."
This gun wasn't loaded," he exclaims, "I had to strangle the bitch!"

---

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing??"
The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Umm. they are making cakes".
The next day they are at the zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks the mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?"
Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"
"Because I licked the Icing off the sofa"
_________________
Helen, Webmistess of
www.area51newmexico.com

[thunderhayes]